| Growing up, we always knew when the household bills | | | | easier to broach the potentially challenging subject of |
| came due. There was always a day or two when my | | | | money: |
| sisters and I dared not bother our mother, who had the | | | | What work do you each want to do to utilize your |
| responsibility of paying the bills and balancing the | | | | talents? |
| checkbook. Frankly, we quickly learned to just stay | | | | What do you want out of your relationship? Family, |
| away at that time. Those couple of days were | | | | sincerity, companionship, success? You fill in the blank. |
| always shrouded in a heavy, anxiety-laden | | | | How do you define this? |
| atmosphere, looming like Phoenix's smog blanket | | | | How do you like to take care of yourselves? Exercise, |
| waiting for a storm to wash it away. | | | | golf, yoga, vacations, etc? |
| In retrospect, I wonder what my father's role was; he | | | | How do you like to care for each other? By making |
| never seemed to be present, emotionally or physically. I | | | | breakfast in bed, taking the kids out on Saturday |
| suspect the only conversations my parents ever had | | | | mornings to let the other sleep in, etc? |
| about money involved blaming one another, or | | | | What makes life less burdensome? A cleaning person, |
| questioning how much was being spent, and where. | | | | having both of you home in the evenings, etc? |
| Clearly, my mother was the saver of the family, while | | | | What are you here to do? |
| my father was a successful spendthrift. With two | | | | What are your most lasting childhood memories of |
| entirely different money personalities and a complete | | | | money? Your parents' attitudes about money will |
| lack of communication, it is a wonder they have | | | | influence your beliefs and behavior as an adult. |
| survived 40 years of marriage. | | | | What is the most important thing money can provide |
| My parents' story is not uncommon. In fact, in my | | | | for you? Someone who answers "self-worth, |
| decade-long study of money and finance, I have found | | | | friendship or love" might be a spender, while someone |
| that most of us are ill-equipped to adequately discuss | | | | who says "security" may be more focused on saving. |
| money matters. Unfortunately, our behavior and our | | | | What would you do if you won $200,000 in the lottery |
| conversations about money tend to be after-the-fact, | | | | tomorrow? Why not a million? Because $200,000 is a |
| defensive or reactive discourses, rather than proactive, | | | | very realistic amount for you and your partner to build |
| deliberate, soul-to-soul discussions. It is this lack of | | | | together, and you should probably each know how the |
| expression, and not the oft-presumed lack of money, | | | | other would want to spend it. |
| that propels finances to the forefront of precursors to | | | | Where would you be most likely to put your savings: |
| marital discord. | | | | under the mattress, in a blue-chip stock mutual fund or |
| Meaningful money conversations | | | | into the latest high-tech IPO (initial public offering)? It's |
| The only way to improve our money behaviors - and | | | | important that you understand each other's risk |
| our relationships - is by having more meaningful | | | | tolerance and structure your investments so that |
| conversations about money. We must embrace | | | | neither of you is losing sleep over them. |
| unified, soul-to-soul conversations as the compass for | | | | Recall a money discussion that might have ended |
| our financial and marital interactions, rather than | | | | differently, had it focused more on soul-to-soul, |
| permitting neglect or misdirected communication to | | | | partnership-related questions. Can you reprise the |
| become the tipping point toward conflict and disaster. | | | | conversation with that new focus? |
| Discussing money is rarely easy, though. For many | | | | What are some money messages you have |
| people, conversations about finances are seldom | | | | encountered lately? List some money messages you |
| constructive; rather, they are often intensely emotional, | | | | have recently sent yourselves, individually and as a |
| personal and reactive. We tend to find these | | | | couple. Have you been nourishing yourself and you |
| conversations incredibly difficult because we never | | | | partner? Why or why not? |
| learned effective ways to discuss financial matters, | | | | If more people like my parents had constructive |
| whether with ourselves, our families or our partners. | | | | discussions about money prior to and during their |
| There are a few things to consider when setting the | | | | unions, they would experience far less anxiety, |
| stage to engage in a soul-to-soul money conversation | | | | frustration and arguments. They also would work |
| with your partner. First, determine an appropriate time | | | | better as a team to pursue their dreams, both |
| for the conversation, and a place with few distractions. | | | | individually and collectively. Most likely, they would |
| You also want to have an plan for what you will talk | | | | experience money as a means to nourish themselves |
| about. Remember to think small; you don't want to | | | | and their relationship, rather than as a source of division |
| overwhelm your partner in the course of a single | | | | and conflict. |
| discussion. Check to make sure your partner is in a | | | | If you have never had a truly constructive |
| good frame of mind to have this conversation right | | | | conversation with your partner about money, there is |
| now. And whatever you do, wait until the storm has | | | | no better time than today. Have fun dreaming, visioning, |
| passed. Trying to have a conversation when either of | | | | and co-creating your future together. Don't view |
| you is overly emotional will undoubtedly leave you both | | | | money -- or its lack -- as a stumbling block. Instead, |
| feeling frustrated, again. | | | | see it as one of the many tools available for |
| Money conversation ice breakers | | | | expressing yourselves and shaping the lives you |
| Here are some ice breaker ideas that might make it | | | | deserve. |